This is what I would like to say to every worker behind a Nook counter:
"Look man, I know you are just a corporate peon in the grand scheme of things, but you've got to help humanity out and stop selling this garbage. Don't get offended at me calling you a peon! You're wearing an apron for Christ's sake! They've emasculated you and ripped your balls out, and you're getting mad at me? No, no, no. Listen. You get paid minimum wage to sell this junk to people who are dumb enough to buy it, but they are still smart enough to read books. Why are you punishing them? There was hope! But I'm sure you get commission, right? What? They make you sell 5 or 6 a week to keep your job, and you make them a grand just by making the screens all flashy for some magpies that walk by and the only thing you get in return is 15% off biscotti in the coffee shop. Yeah, that's a fair trade. Is that why you wear an apron, because they make you make coffee too? No? Are they afraid you'll get book all over you and ruin your shirt? I don't understand this crap. People come in here and they want to buy a beautiful, nice smelling book. Sometimes for their children! With pretty and pleasant pictures that they can hold in their mind and it makes them grow up to be good and caring people that start that process over. Would you read your kids Goodnight Moon on a computer screen? Hell no! Because your parents didn't read you Goodnight Moon on one. Oh, but it can fit 9 billion books on it. I'm not the Library of Congress, dude. I read maybe 7 real books a year, and buy a crap-ton more that I put on my shelf and never get to. I know it's bad, but people come over and they see my bookshelf and they are so impressed! No one puts a Nook on display or builds mahogany cabinets for it. I wouldn't even put it in a mahogany trashcan. You are putting a whole wood based industry out of business. Oh, but your saving treeeeeeeees! Not only are there no more shelves, but there is no more paper to bind books for. How sweet. I'll tell you what, though. Those trees you're saving might as well be shoved up your customer's butts, because you're screwing us all over. When you make things exclusive to your Nook I have two options. I can send off for a physical copy that will take 4-6 business days to get here, or I can just download it on this $200 machine instantaneously. Sounds pretty convenient. Snap my fingers and voila! But you mean to tell me that you don't even carry some books in the store anymore, so it will force my hand? I can't find Watchmen anywhere. It's meant to be read in paperback form. That's the beauty of comics. I've got to pay $200 bucks just to read a crappier version of the original. In what freaking world does that make sense? Not mine. Not your world either. Who cares if the thing can get internet on it? Dude, be honest. If your book had a picture of a naked lady after every page of text do you think you'd be able to finish it? Exactly. If I wanted something that could do 20 things I'd buy a Swiss Army knife, and then I'd stab every Nook owner in the face. I'd even use the corkscrew to make it slow. Sure it has 5 hours of battery, but I want to sit on a beach with a cooler full of Bud Lite for a straight week, never leaving my chair because I'm so enthralled by Lizzy's pill addiction in The Baby Sitter's Club. What happens when the revolution comes and those crazed lunatics cut the power. Our children will be illiterate and it will be your fault, Ronaldo! What happens when you're in coffee shop, not this one though because it sucks balls, and the girl across the table is reading the same book as you. You don't know though, because you both have Nooks. That was your future wife, and now you'll die alone in a room full of empty shelves and a cold square piece of metal and plastic to keep you company. Oh, and can I get this gift wrapped?"
No comments:
Post a Comment